Author: Isabella Simantov

Isabella is a Provisional Psychologist and has completed a degree in Psychology (Honours) and Primary Education. She is currently completing a Master of Professional Psychology at The Cairnmillar Institute. Isabella’s first involvement with Feel the Magic was in 2020 when she completed a psychology internship. She completed the training to become a mentor, however soon after she took on the role as a Research Associate. Isabella is passionate about mental health and wellbeing, particularly amongst children and adolescents. Isabella possesses skills in academic research and writing, and she has a strong ability to interact with individuals in a compassionate and caring manner.

Adult and children at Feel the Magic Camp Magic

Children’s Understanding of Death at Different Ages

Posted on December 8, 2022 | by Isabella Simantov

Grasping the concept of death will vary for children of different ages and stages of development.

Even though all children are unique and will respond to and understand death in their own unique way, children’s reactions to grief can depend on many factors including their developmental stage.

It is also important to remember that children’s understanding of death will be developed over time, particularly as they navigate new experiences and are exposed to new concepts.

Children under 5 years

Children under the age of 5 do not understand the finality and permanency of death. They often think that death is reversible and that a loved one can come back.

Whilst very young children have no understanding of the concept of death, they can still sense and react to changes in their environment and routine. They will experience feelings of loss and insecurity if a significant person is absent, which can manifest as increased crying or changes in their sleeping and feeding patterns in babies.

Language to use

Children under 5 years of age have a very literal understanding of concepts so it is important to use clear, honest, and simple language like “died”. When explaining death, it may be helpful to explain that death means a person’s body has stopped working, death happens to everyone at some point, and death can’t be reversed. Euphemisms such as “passed away” and “gone to sleep” may cause misunderstandings and confusion and should be avoided.

Behaviour of young, bereaved children

Toddlers and young children bereaved at this age may display increased irritability, withdrawal, clinginess and anxiety, disrupted sleep, changes in appetite, less interest in play, and they may regress in skills such as language or toilet training. They can be supported by keeping to normal routines and providing them with constant reassurance and love.

Children aged 6 to 8 years

Between the ages of 6 and 8, children gradually begin to develop an understanding that death is permanent and irreversible.

Children’s imagination and ‘magical thinking’ at this age can mean that some children believe their thoughts or actions caused the death. This can lead to feelings of guilt. For example, “I didn’t brush my teeth and therefore mummy has died.”

Give clear information

It is important to give them clear information about the death and to help them understand that it’s not their fault, to avoid them filling in their knowledge gaps with incorrect assumptions.

Thoughts and feelings

As they become increasingly aware that death is an inevitable part of life that happens to all living things, they may become more anxious about their own, and others, health and safety. For example, they may demonstrate more separation anxiety than they exhibited prior to the bereavement. Children at this age will begin to think and feel strong emotions but they may not have the vocabulary to express themselves. It might be helpful to use books and other media to explain death and to help them understand the feelings they are experiencing.

Children aged 9 to 12 years

Children aged 9 to 12 usually understand the finality of death and that the person who died is not coming back.

Awareness of the impact of the death

Children at this age may also show increased interest in the biological and medical processes involved in death and dying. They are also more aware of the impact the death has on them, for example that their lost loved one won’t be there for important birthdays or milestones like moving to secondary school.

By this age, children will have developed a vocabulary to understand their thoughts and feelings, however they might not want to share them.

Provide reassurance

Reassure your child that they are safe and try to keep to a normal routine and maintain normal boundaries around expected behaviour. You can also help them by giving them permission to talk about how they feel about the person who has died and any worries or concerns they might have.

Teenagers and young adults

Teenagers usually have an adult understanding of death and are much more aware of its finality and the impact of a loved one dying both now and in the long term.

The meaning of life

At this age, young people are starting to question the meaning of life and other philosophical concepts. For example, they might begin asking questions about what happens after death. Adolescence is a time of profound change, and it can also be difficult for teenagers to ask for support whilst trying to transition to adulthood. It is important to give them clear and honest information and ensure a trusted adult is their source of truth and clarity.

Although they may have the developmental ability to understand the concept of death, this does not lessen the impact of grief and loss. The teenage grieving process is unique for every young person.

Some teenagers react by withdrawing from others, whilst some might take on adult responsibilities and try to become the caregiver, and others might cope with the awareness of their own mortality through risk-taking behaviour. Grief might also manifest as difficulties concentrating and studying at school, or an increased need for control.

Teenagers do not like to feel different from their peers and grieving as a young person can be extremely isolating. The support of peers with similar experiences can be enormously powerful and the bereavement programs offered by Feel the Magic help foster these peer relationships.

It is also important to consider that children who have been bereaved at an earlier age may need to re-process their grief as they think about their future and fully understand the impact of life without the person who died, or experience milestones that trigger renewed grief.

Grief Resources

Our Grief Resource Guide contains more information on supporting bereaved adolescents as they transition into adulthood.

What to Say to a Child When a Parent Dies

Supporting Children and Teens Through Grief, Anniversaries and Significant Events

Self-care Tips for Parents During the Holiday Season

Posted on November 28, 2022 | by Isabella Simantov

The holiday season can be a difficult time for anyone who has experienced the death of a loved one. Memories may serve as a constant reminder of the loss, and some families may experience heightened stress and sadness.

Watching others celebrate can also be painful and overwhelming and contribute to feeling isolated and alone. Holiday decorations and advertisements can also be inescapable triggers.

As a parent, it is important to prioritise your self-care to help you through the holiday season.

Set realistic expectations of yourself

Consider if you can still handle past responsibilities and expectations. For example, you may want to consider shopping online this year if you feel a need to avoid crowds or triggers at shopping centres. Being mindful of your own needs is important when planning for the holidays, planning alternatives, and communicating with others.

Take one day at a time

Whether you find comfort in old holiday traditions or decide to start new ones, take this period one day at a time. Try not to overload yourself to get through the days faster or isolate yourself until the period is over. You might decide to take a social media break if you feel that it is impacting you during this period.

Prioritise your health

Make your mental and physical health a priority by taking some time for yourself. Try to find opportunities to do physical exercise and eat healthy meals. It may be helpful to set aside time every day to meditate, stretch, or go for a walk. It is also important to check in with your emotions and give yourself some forgiveness if you’re being too hard on yourself.

Lean on someone

Call or text a friend for support if you are struggling. It is always helpful to have someone to talk to when you are going through a tough time. A mental health helpline is also useful if you need support, but don’t know who to turn to.

Write in a journal or read a book

Calm your mind or racing thoughts by journaling or reading a book. Writing down how you are feeling may give you a chance to clear your head and move through your day with fewer bottled-up feelings. Others might want to read a book to distract themselves from their difficult emotions, or they might want to read a book on grief and the holidays. Our Grief Resource Hub contains a list of suggested books and media.

Know your warning signs and take breaks

Whether or not you communicate your needs or boundaries to others in advance, there is a chance you may find your emotions rising out of nowhere. Take a break when you need to and plan to step away occasionally. Whilst taking time out, you may want to text a friend or practice a breathing exercise. We know that breathwork is a helpful way to alleviate anxiety, depression, and stress.

Hand on Heart meditation exercise

At Feel the Magic, we use a simple strategy called ‘Hand on Heart’, which is beneficial for adults and children alike. It works in three ways:

(1) physical touch serves as a grounding technique to anchor you to your body and in the present moment, rather than ruminating about the past or worrying about the future;

(2) deep breathing helps to regulate the body’s stress response and soothe any physiological arousal caused by the distress; and

(3) counting helps you activate the “thinking mind” rather than the “emotional mind” and provides something tangible to focus on besides what triggered the distress.

Hand on Heart instructions:

Place one or both hands on your chest, feeling the warmth of your hands on your body. Notice the rise and fall of your chest.

Close your eyes or look down.

Breath in deeply for a count of 3 and out for a count of 4. Repeat this 4-5 times.

Label what emotion you are feeling in this moment.

Measure your subjective level of distress out of 10.

Allow yourself to grieve

It is important to allow yourself to feel joy, sadness, anger, or whatever you are feeling. Every family member has their own unique experience of grief and no one way is right or wrong. Give yourself permission to feel your emotions as they are. Remember that experiencing joy and laughter during a time of grief does not mean you have forgotten your loved one.

The holiday season might be a tough period for your family. In Australia there are a range of resources and support available for both you and your child.

Feel the Magic provide grief education programs and camps for children aged 7 to 17 who have experienced the death of a parent, guardian, or sibling.

Click here to access Feel the Magic’s Grief Resource Hub which contains information to help you through a range of challenges.
When someone dies, it can be hard to know who you’re supposed to tell. Click here to be directed to Services Australia.
Read about how to cope financially after losing your partner. If you need financial support, click here to be directed to Services Australia.
Talk with your doctor or local community health centre if you or your child require professional support or counselling services.
Kids Helpline is Australia’s only free, confidential 24/7 online and phone counselling service for young people aged 5 to 25.
Beyond Blue provides confidential counselling services.
Griefline provides telephone and online counselling services.
Headspace supports young people (12 to 25 years) who are going through a difficult time.
Lifeline is a 24-hour crisis support and suicide prevention service.
Solace provides grief support for those grieving the death of their partner.
Postvention Australia and StandBy support people bereaved by suicide.

Addressing Fears as a Parent of a Grieving Child

Posted on November 24, 2022 | by Isabella Simantov

When a child experiences the death of a loved one, various fears may arise throughout their grief journey.

Often a parent or caregiver of bereaved children will also experience fears regarding their child’s grief journey. Many common fears are experienced amongst parents of bereaved children, including the fear that your child will feel isolated following the death of a loved one.

As a family tries to cope with a significant loss, the dynamics of the family can change and it can be an unsettling time for children. This period may manifest in certain behaviours, such as withdrawal, and certain feelings, such as isolation.

Changes that can stir difficult feelings and emotions

A death of parent may lead to other changes such as moving house, changing schools, or facing financial challenges. These changes, along with the death itself, stir difficult feelings and emotions for children to manage. Therefore, it is important to ensure that your child has access to support, specifically for their needs and to maintain as much normality in their life.

School refusal

The fear of your child’s isolation is often extended to their experience at school. Following a death, it is common for children to fear abandonment or being alone, and this is often expressed in everyday events such as school refusal.

Transfer of fear to parents

Bereaved children’s fears are often transferred onto their parents. When your child expresses certain fears, it is best not to dismiss their fears but rather try not to let their fears become yours. It is helpful to reassure them that everything will be okay and ensure that there’s structure and consistency in their lives.

The fear of not being able to cope with both your own grief and your child’s grief it a common fear amongst parents. It is undeniable that trying to cope with your own significant loss is extremely challenging, although simultaneously trying to help your child navigate his or her own grief may seem incomprehensible. Hence, this is a common fear for parents and can often manifest into questioning whether you are doing a “good enough” job or dealing with it in the “right way”.

The key to managing this fear is to avoid suppressing your grief emotions and openly expressing how you feel. Authentically showing your grief to your child will not make things worse. In fact, you may encourage your child to also display their grief and it may draw you closer to each other.

Lean on a support person

However, it is important to also lean on a support person or counsellor before sharing your experience with your child. This is especially important if your grief emotions become heightened and overwhelming and you may not feel you are equipped or able to assume full responsibility for your child’s grief. Be prepared that neither of your grief journeys will be smooth sailing, although by providing your child with love and compassion, you will allow them to navigate their grief feeling safe and reassured. Remember, in order to take care of your child, you need to take care of yourself.

Grief is a process over time

Another major fear often experienced by parents is that their child’s state of grief will never get better.

Grief is a process that occurs over time and your child will feel a wide range of emotions after a major loss. The key point is to give your child time to heal from his or her loss. Whilst it is difficult to witness your child grieve and endure many challenging feelings, providing them with understanding and patience during this difficult time will help them heal. Pressuring your child to accept the death will most certainly not speed up their grieving process.

Even if your child is experiencing denial for a longer period than you expected, remember that they will accept the death when they are ready to. It is also important to give your child permission and the opportunity to let out their emotions. Despite what may seem to be a regression following a loss, remember that your child’s grief is a process that ebbs and flows over time. Demonstrating patience and understanding is key to supporting your child’s grief journey.

Supporting Children and Teens Through Grief, Anniversaries and Significant Events

Resources for Grieving Children

Volunteering can bring a ‘helper’s high’

Posted on November 23, 2022 | by Isabella Simantov

Volunteering can bring meaning and purpose to your life. It can bring people together by building communities and creating a better society.

There is also evidence that helping others triggers a response in your brain that can give you a buzz sometimes known as the ‘helper’s high’.

Without our caring and dedicated helpful volunteers at Feel the Magic, we simply couldn’t support the many grieving children that need us. Why? Campers benefit from one-on-one trained volunteer mentors at many of our Camps.

Feel the Magic volunteer Rachel

Meet Rachel (pictured as part of the support crew for Magic Ride 2022), one of our amazing volunteers. Rachel initially became involved with Feel the Magic in 2019 as a mentor at Camp Magic in ACT.

We asked Rachel why she joined Feel the Magic as a volunteer.

Rachel’s dad died when she was 11 years old and her brother 14. Rachel said “The first day of camp would have been my dad’s 60^th birthday. When I found out what Feel the Magic was and the work they were doing with kids going through the same loss, I had to get involved and join in and help make it a little easier for them”.

Rachel has now attended five camps, two as a mentor and three as part of the wellbeing team. She was also part of the support crew for the fundraising Magic Ride 2022 and has amazingly signed up again for 2023!

Rachel told us what inspires her most about our Campers is “the vulnerability and growth that you see over the course of the weekend.”

Rachel further said that “A program like Feel the Magic would have benefitted my brother and I a lot”.

Feel the Magic is fortunate to have many people like Rachel who understand the significance of losing a loved one as a child, can relate to Campers and recognise the vitality of our programs.

Rachel shared a little bit about her own journey of grief and said that “grief is a non-linear cyclical adventure. It goes up and down and is not something that ever ends. It’s been nearly 16 years since my dad died and there are still days when I am completely blindsided by the grief of that loss but there are also many days when I am not so quite blind sided anymore”.

Benefits of volunteering

Volunteering can offer vital support to people in need and provides individuals with a sense of community. The benefits of volunteering can be profound.

The right volunteering opportunity can help you connect with a community, learn new skills, and even advance your career.

Giving to others can also improve your own mental and physical health and provide a sense of purpose.

Volunteering often helps counteract the effects of stress, anger, depression and anxiety.
The social aspect of helping and working with others can have a profound effect on your overall psychological wellbeing.
Being helpful to others provides immense enjoyment, can give you a sense of pride and identity, and ultimately increasing self-confidence.
Doing good for others and the community may provide you with a natural sense of accomplishment.
Helping others triggers the reward pathway in the brain known as the mesolimbic system. The release of neurotransmitters such as oxytocin and vasopressin can give you a buzz sometimes known as the ‘helpers high’.

No matter your age or life situation, volunteering can provide a sense of purpose, keep you mentally stimulated, and add more zest to your life.

Rachel’s advice to others considering volunteering with Feel the Magic: “Just do it! It is something you will consider for ages and always put off, but once you do it, it’s so worth it… absolutely do it!”.

“Volunteers make the world go around. I knew I would volunteer somewhere sometime and Feel the Magic hits that spot for me. We wouldn’t be able to get through life without people volunteering to help those in need of different services and charities like Feel the Magic”.

Volunteering is a meaningful way to feel a sense of belonging, catch feel-good emotions, embrace your passions, and open the door to life satisfaction.

A big thank you to our volunteers for your unwavering commitment and dedication to the Feel the Magic community.

If you are interested in volunteering with us at Feel the Magic, click here for more information.

References

https://www.sydney.edu.au/news-opinion/news/2017/05/03/7-surprising-benefits-of-volunteering-.html

Dr. Michael Bowen (BA ’08 BA(Hons) ’10 PhD ’14)

Supporting Bereaved Siblings

Posted on September 5, 2022 | by Isabella Simantov

Siblings are an important part of a child’s world and the relationship between siblings is unique. Therefore, the way siblings grieve is unique too.

Facing the death of a sibling often presents a unique set of complex and emotional challenges. Siblings often experience a range of conflicting feelings for each other, and their relationship usually changes over time. They may sway between looking up to one another and caring for each other, and feelings of resentment, responsibility or jealousy for one another.

Past sibling dynamics can often affect the surviving child’s grief. Research findings indicate that the death of a sibling may have a potentially significant impact on the psychological and physical wellbeing of the remaining child ⁽¹⁾.

Further research reveals that some potential consequences following the death of a sibling include increased depression, suicide attempts, physician visits, anxiety, illicit substance use, mortality risk and lower educational attainment ^(1,2,3,4).

Suicide incidence rates between 2017 – 2019 indicate that suicide was the leading cause of death among Australians aged 15-24 years ⁽⁵⁾. The high prevalence rate of death by suicide among young people indicates that many children grieve the loss of a sibling to suicide.

5 common grief responses

Guilt: Guilt can stem from a sibling questioning why they were spared because they feel no better than, or inferior to, the sibling who died. It is important to acknowledge that many siblings feel guilty and address their irrational thoughts by reassuring them that they are just as important and loved as the child who died. It is also important to provide them with honest and clear information to ensure they don’t draw wrong conclusions and blame themselves.

Regrets: Surviving siblings may express regrets or remorse about things they did or said to the sibling who died. They may reflect on fights and instances that they “wished” that their sibling would disappear or die and believe that their own thoughts and feelings caused the death.

Normalise your child’s feelings by reassuring them that all brothers and sisters fight or disagree at times, and this is a natural part of sibling relationships. It may be helpful to explain what caused the sibling’s death.

Explain that all children feel angry or have unkind thoughts about family members from time to time, but those feelings or wishes cannot cause a death to happen.

Lack of expressing feelings: It can be difficult to talk about your child who has died, especially if you feel that surviving children are too young to understand and should be protected.

Children may misinterpret the lack of open communication, that it is not okay to talk about their own feelings about the death. They might try to hide their own feelings, or even develop physical symptoms.

Open communication will help you to understand your child’s feelings, fears, and understanding around their sibling’s death. Although it can be difficult, it is important to give children honest, age-appropriate information so that they can feel comfortable coming to you with questions, concerns and feelings.

You can also look for and use opportunities to talk about their sibling who died by sharing stories and memories.

Confusion around changes: The death of a sibling often leads to changes in the structure of the family, and in the roles of the surviving siblings. These changes may give surviving siblings a sense of pride in their newfound responsibilities, or it may result in feelings of pressure or resentment.

Some children may feel that they are expected to replace or live up to the behaviour and goals of the sibling who died. They might respond by acting out or rejecting their new place in the family, or they might take on a caretaker role.

A family meeting or one-on-one talks with a goal of discussing different household jobs and responsibilities can be an effective way for everyone to share feelings and to create new family routines.

Sadness and isolation: Some children strive to be like their sibling, some are protective, and some feel challenged by them. Nonetheless there is often a strong sense of connection between siblings.

After the death of a sibling, the surviving sibling can be left in a place of confusing emotions. Surviving siblings may experience intense sadness and feelings of loneliness and isolation. They may also experience a loss of appetite, sleep difficulties, a decline in academic performance, and/or lack of interest in normal activities.

No matter how they react to the loss of a sibling, always be honest, provide clear information and ensure they receive consistent love and care.

Parent self-care

You may feel you need to always be available for the needs of your grieving child, but it is vitally important you also take time to look after yourself and your own grief. To best support yourself through this difficult time, make self-care a priority. We have created some parent self-care guides, found on our Grief Resource Hub

Feel the Magic exists to help grieving kids heal with free camps, strategies and resources to prepare them for living healthily with grief. All our programs are evidence-informed and created by psychologists. Feel the Magic is a place where families experiencing grief can belong. All our programs are completely free to families thanks to our generous donors and supporters.

Returning to school following the death of a loved one

Posted on September 5, 2022 | by Isabella Simantov

Returning to school following a significant loss can bring up a range of feelings and emotions for bereaved children.

The absence of security from loved ones is a common fear. On the other hand, some children may find that the return to school feels like respite from the intensity of family grief.

No matter how they are feeling or what they are experiencing, returning to school is an adjustment that you can navigate together.

Notify the school

It is important that the school is aware of the circumstances prior to your child’s return to school, so they can help support your child during this time.

Informing the school that your child has experienced a significant loss may be a difficult task to do as a parent, and you may want to ask a close friend or family member to contact the school for you or join you during the conversation as a support person.

Involve the class teacher

The class teacher will often play a crucial role in supporting a bereaved child’s transition back into the school environment. Acknowledging to the child that they are aware of the death is a simple, although very supportive gesture.

Letting the child know that they’re available to talk or listen at any time will also make them feel more comfortable adjusting back to school.

Other strategies for teachers:

Create an inclusive environment throughout the school year, but be particularly mindful on days such as Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Involve them in decision making, such as asking if they would like to participate in the craft activities and stalls related to these days, rather than assuming they would rather not attend. Use language that is sensitive and appropriate to all students, such as “a parent or caregiver”, rather than “mum” or “dad”.
Make yourself available to have open and judgement free conversations.
Be flexible with schoolwork and homework, as grieving children might have difficulties with their memory and concentration.
normal school routines and classroom structures, as consistency in the child’s environment is crucial to maintaining their sense of psychological safety at school.

Access support from the school

If support from the school is available for your child, such as wellbeing or psychological support, it may be beneficial tuse these services.

The return to school following a significant loss is a daunting and overwhelming experience for many children. IIt is important to facilitate support for your child to express their thoughts, worries, and feelings with a qualified mental health professional. The school may also be involved in working on a plan with you to ensure your child’s return to school is as smooth and comfortable as possible.

Involve your child in a back-to-school plan

Including your child in a back-to-school plan will allow them to feel more comfortable and at ease with the transition. Examples of ideas for the back-to-school plan include:

Taking some time out in a safe space when they are feeling overwhelmed, such as five minutes in the book corner or a drink of water.
Going outside for some fresh air when they are feeling sad or upset, with a dedicated area they are allowed to go agreed in advance.
Bringing a special toy or object to school or using a fidget item in the classroom.
Academic modifications, such as reduced homework load or extra time to complete assignments.

Strategies for parents

Some children may not want to return to school, which will present various challenges for you as a parent. Here are some examples of strategies you could implement:

Provide your child with something to look forward to at the end of each day. This is a simple and inexpensive way of praising them for being brave. Rewards may include playing their favourite game after school or a soothing back tickle before bed.
It may be helpful for bereaved children to take a familiar or soothing object to school to hold when they feel sad or anxious. This could be something that helps them feel connected to their loved one who died.
Use language that makes it clear you expect the child to go to school (e.g., ‘when you go to school today’ not ‘if you go to school today’).
Try and explore why the child doesn’t want to go to school. There could be many reasons, such as feeling embarrassed, feeling like their friends will treat them differently, worries that they will be bullied, or fear about leaving the remaining parent alone. Uncovering the ‘why’ behind the behaviour is the first step to helping children address these concerns in healthy ways that don’t involve avoiding school.

Whilst returning to school following a significant loss is a major transition for bereaved children, there are also many other changes that children navigate following the death of a loved one.

Click here for further support to help your child through the changes brought by death, or book a call with one of our team to talk about how our face-to-face programs may be able to help your child.