Tag: Helping children deal with loss

Camper Mentor Group

Helping Kids Cope With Grief

Posted on | by Adam Blatch

He is one of Australia’s most respected positive psychology and parent speakers, an author and a researcher. He is the founder and owner of Happy Families Family Education.

Dr Justin Coulson invited Feel the Magic Co-Founder and National Virtual Program Lead, Kristy Thomas to his Happy Families podcast recently.

Many of us start the year with energy and feeling excited about life, but the reality is that sometimes hard things happen.

Episode #701: Kristy Thomas

During episode 701 of the Happy Families podcast – LISTEN HERE, Kristy shared the sad statistic that 1 in 20 children in Australia will lose a parent by the time they’re 18, what Feel the Magic is about and how best to support your grieving child.

Kristy also explained how:

  • grief can be isolating for children
  • Camp Magic can turn that feeling of isolation to inclusion amongst a community of other kids in similar situations
  • children usually respond to grief
  • parents should respond to their child’s grief
  • to feel it to heal it
  • to use your words intentionally
  • to look after yourself and your grief

Kristy said “Feel the Magic was born out of my own childhood bereavement as well as Co-Founder with my husband who had lost both his parents by the time he was 30. What we realised actually here in Australia is that there are minimal resources for children and parents to access to help kids through the worst time possible”.

Camp Magic – empowering kids to take control of their grief

Kristy further talked about Camp Magic, our signature and most in-demand three-day camp. We match every grieving child with an adult mentor that comes on the journey with them. They have someone sitting beside them on their journey. At every session during Camp, there is someone there with them to support them. We are there to empower kids to self-soothe, self-regulate, and take control of their grief.

“The biggest thing that’s amazing that comes along with these programs is they get to meet other kids like them. Part of what grief does to a kid is it isolates them. They become very different. They don’t know anyone else that is going through what they are. They don’t know how to talk about it with other people. And so when instantly they meet other kids going through the same thing, suddenly their world opens up to say I am not the only one. There’s a way forward” said Kristy.

Listen to the full podcast here, or on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify or iHeartRADIO.

About Feel the Magic

Kristy Thomas and her husband James founded Feel the Feel the Magic in 2013, driven by their personal experiences with grief and a mission to ensure no Australian child goes through grief alone.

We proudly continue this mission and have helped over 1,200 kids and their families through free camps, resources, research to help grieving kids heal.

As a leading charity dedicated exclusively to grieving children, we provide:

  • Evidence-based programs developed by a clinical psychologist
  • Free in-person and virtual camps for grieving kids
  • Grief support communities for teens, children and families
  • Free online resources and support

For more resources to help navigate childhood grief, please explore our Grief Resource Hub. If you’re interested in connecting your child and yourself to a community of people who understand you, and to mentors who can teach you about grief and give you the tools to heal, then please look into our free camps. If you need immediate mental health support for you or your child, please get in touch with a helpline.

Child in blue Camp Magic t-shirt sitting by the river

Preparing for the Death of a Sibling – 5 Ways to Cope with Anticipatory Grief

Posted on | by Isabella Simantov

The death of a sibling is a tremendous loss for a child. Children may face a range of feelings and thoughts following the death of a sibling. These feelings can be further complicated if their sibling faced a prolonged illness or terminal diagnosis.

Grief can happen while expecting a loss

Although grief is often understood to happen after a loss occurs, grief can occur for those expecting a loss as well – this is called “anticipatory grief”.

Siblings of children facing a terminal illness may experience anticipatory grief in the months, weeks and days before the death.

Anticipatory grief can carry many of the symptoms of regular grief, including sadness, guilt, anger and isolation.

Older children and teenagers that are aware of the impending death might experience an overwhelming sense of anxiety in the lead-up to their sibling’s passing. They might also grieve the loss of their sibling’s abilities and independence, their loss of cognition, loss of hope, loss of future dreams, loss of security, and a loss of identity.

Anticipatory grief may also result in feelings of relief when the death eventually occurs, and guilt that can come with that relief. These feelings are common and normal.

5 ways to cope with anticipatory grief

  1. Find someone to talk to about your feelings. This may be a close family member, school teacher, social worker, or professional counsellor or psychologist. 
  2. Keep a journal to record and work through your feelings. 
  3. Try to maintain a healthy, balanced diet, and find adequate time to exercise and engage in self-care. 
  4. Try meditation or relaxation exercises to soothe the body’s physiological stress responses.
  5. Consider creative outlets to express your feelings. 

When a sibling is terminally ill, children adjust to this significant loss, and the impact on their parents.

Parents are often overwhelmed with their own grief and may need help addressing the needs of grieving siblings.

A surviving child may feel the need to “fill in” for the terminally ill child or the child who has died or may worry that the parents would have preferred if he or she had died rather than the sibling. It is important for parents to recognise the grief of surviving siblings and support them.

Common Grief Responses in Children of Different Ages

Following the death of a sibling, every child copes differently and there is no right way to work through feelings of grief. Below are the common grief responses in children of different ages.

Children under the age of 5 may:

  • Be affected by the emotions of those around them.
  •  Grieve in doses, alternating between displaying grief and playing as if nothing has happened.
  •  Ask confronting questions about death.
  •  Seek attention or show signs of insecurity.
  •  Feel guilty or responsible for their sibling’s death.
  •  Digress developmentally e.g. bed wetting.
  •  Act out their feelings or use play and toys.

Children of primary school age may: 

  • See death as reversible or become more anxious about the possibility of other close loved ones dying.
  • Be curious about death, and burial rituals and ask detailed questions.
  • Take time to absorb the reality of what happened and may not appear immediately affected by the death.
  • Be quick to blame themselves for their sibling’s death.
  • Worry about their parents who are grieving and feel a sense of responsibility for making them happy again.
  • Act out feelings rather than talk about them.
  • Be concerned about what their peers think and have a sense of isolation or separation.

Teenagers may: 

  • Grieve in doses, breaking their grief into bearable amounts, but this can sometimes result in intense outbursts.
  • Experience many emotions and thoughts that come and go, which can feel confusing, and at times overwhelming.
  • Feel guilty that they were unable to save their sibling.
  • Not want to talk about their grief.
  • Have problems sleeping or oversleeping.
  • Feel isolated or separated from their peers.

How to support children bereaved by the death of a sibling 

  • Encourage them to share their grief with other family members. This may help them work through the pain and sadness they are experiencing. 
  • Find support outside the family. Whilst it can be helpful to seek support from family members, it can also be hard for some family members to provide consolation while coping with their own grief. Consider the support of a teacher, psychologist or counsellor. An organisation such as Feel the Magic is also a great setting to receive support.  
  • Help them find ways to remember their sibling. Finding ways to memorialise their lost loved one can help keep his or her memory alive and maintain a feeling of connection. They might decide to make a family memory book with pictures or stories. 
  • Consider volunteering with a related charity or one that was important to the bereaved sibling.
  • Ensure their mental health is taken care of too. Feeling extremely sad or numb are normal reactions to the loss of a sibling. Although sometimes these and other symptoms do not lessen over time, feelings of hopelessness, anxiety or anger can begin to affect their daily life. If grief is becoming too difficult to manage alone, seek adequate professional support if needed. We have curated a list of other grief support organisations here.

Information and support are available

For more information to help you through a range of challenges, see our Grief Resource Hub. It is full of parenting resources, segmented into age-appropriate sections, to guide you through all stages of the grieving process. It covers everything from parenting through a terminal illness, to coping with anniversaries, how to speak to a child after an immediate loss to getting through the first 12 months and beyond. Additional grief support services can be found here.

Read More

Supporting Bereaved Siblings

Addressing Fears as a Parent of a Grieving Child

Feel the Magic and Newcastle Permanent Charitable Foundation

The Lasting Impact of Grant Giving

Posted on | by Isabella Simantov

Newcastle Permanent Charitable Foundation grant round surpasses $25 million in funding since 2003. 

Our friends and fierce supporters of Feel the Magic, Newcastle Permanent Charitable Foundation, reached this generous and impressive milestone recently. 

The Foundation supports the delivery of various projects and initiatives focusing on improving the health and social wellbeing of vulnerable people in regional New South Wales.

As a recipient of their funding last year, Feel the Magic joined in this year’s grant giving event. Our co-founder Kristy Thomas and long-time Feel the Magic Camper Noah Levin had the privilege of speaking about the positive and lasting impact of the funding provided by Newcastle Permanent Charitable Foundation last year. 

Noah Levin, Feel the Magic Camper and Ambassador
Kristy Thomas, Co-Founder Feel the Magic

The Foundation have supported Feel the Magic in many ways, including a generous financial contribution last year enabling us to provide our first ever Hunter-based Camp Magic at Lake Macquarie this year. Thanks to Newcastle Permanent, 15 campers attended Camp Magic for free and had the opportunity to be involved in a transformational weekend, learning vital skills for healing and coping with grief. Plus, several Newcastle Permanent staff kindly volunteered at Camp to support those grieving kids.

We are incredibly grateful to Newcastle Permanent Charitable Foundation who provided us with a grant to host our first-ever regional Grad Camp in Lake Macquarie early next year.

Newcastle Permanent partnered with Feel the Magic through their Community Assist Program

Grad Camp prepares young people aged 17 and 19 years who have experienced the loss of a parent or sibling to navigate the milestones and challenges of transitioning to adulthood. Grad Camp gives Campers an opportunity to reconnect, make new connections, plus explore strategies and techniques to help cope with grief while moving into adult life.

We are sincerely appreciative to Newcastle Permanent Charitable Foundation for helping us to facilitate much-needed support for grieving families in regional areas. We are looking forward to expanding our reach to help more grieving kids and families with the aid of supporters such as the Foundation. 

Congratulations Newcastle Permanent Charitable Foundation on your generous milestone and for all your support for Feel the Magic.

Kids, facilitator and volunteer at Feel the Magic Family Day Camp

What to Expect When Children Grieve

Posted on | by Adam Blatch

Understanding what to expect while your children are grieving is important so you can be better prepared to support them.

Children dealing with grief will experience a wide range of emotions and express themselves in a variety of ways. Children often process emotions differently to adults.

How Children Understand Death

The ability for children to understand death depends on their age and developmental level. From about ages 6 to 8 years old, children begin to understand that death is permanent and irreversible.

Prior to this, they may struggle to understand that death is permanent, or believe it is something that only happens to other people. Once your children understand the permanency of death, they may begin feeling anxious about themselves or other loved ones dying, or become preoccupied with health and safety.

Younger children may not be able to express these complex emotions verbally so they may instead react behaviourally. Although younger children may not understand death, they will still be aware of their loved one’s absence and may feel this loss keenly.

As children approach adolescence, they are usually developmentally capable of abstract thinking and can conceptualise death in a more adult manner. They can understand that death is universal, inevitable, and irreversible. They may start to ask questions about what happens after death. Older children have formed strong bonds with friends, so they may seek support from them instead of turning to their parents and caregivers.  

Feelings and Behaviours

Grieving children will experience a wide range of emotions, including:

  • Fear
  • Anger
  • Vulnerability
  • Sadness/Despair
  • Shock
  • Longing
  • Guilt
  • Anxiety
  • Loneliness

These feelings are uncomfortable and hard, but they are common amongst grieving children.

Let your child know that these feelings are normal and that they can talk to you when they’re struggling with their grief. Also be aware that your child may have sudden mood changes. They may feel good in the morning, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they will feel good all day.

Younger children may not be able to vocalise their feelings and older children may not feel comfortable talking about them, so you should keep an eye out for these behaviours:

  • Crying
  • Social withdrawal
  • Restless hyperactivity
  • Absent-minded behaviours
  • Acting out
  • Avoidance

No matter how your children react to the death of a loved one, you should let them know that you understand, you’re not mad at them, and you’re always available to provide comfort.

If you are concerned that your child’s behaviour is putting them or others at risk, please reach out to accredited support services for advice.

Physical Reactions

Grief isn’t just an emotional reaction to death; it may also come with physical symptoms. These symptoms may be a manifestation of the anxiety and depression that often stems from loss. Some physical reactions to look out for are:

  • Tightness in chest
  • Hollowness/pit in stomach
  • Dry mouth
  • Shortness of breath
  • Oversensitivity to noise
  • Muscle weakness
  • Fatigue
  • Appetite Disturbances
  • Weight loss or gain

Your child may also experience sleep disturbances and may ask to sleep with you, even if this seems

Common Coping Mechanisms

Coping mechanisms are strategies people adopt to help them manage painful or difficult emotions. All people, including children, will react to the death of a loved one differently and adopt different coping mechanisms. Some common coping mechanisms in children include:

  • Asking many questions about the death
  • Withdrawing from family and friends
  • Misbehaving with attention seeking or aggressive behaviours
  • Treasuring objects that belonged to the deceased
  • Avoiding reminders of the deceased

Older children may demonstrate different coping mechanisms, including:

  • Visiting places that remind them of the deceased
  • Favouring talking to adults and peers outside the family
  • Acting with bravado, as if they are unaffected
  • Hiding or repressing feelings
  • Taking on more responsibilities
  • Acting out with risk-taking behaviours

Coping mechanisms are healthy when they don’t put your child or others at risk, and if they’re not done to an obsessive level. It’s important to seek help for your child so they can develop healthy coping mechanisms that assist in the healing process instead of harming it.

Reaching Out for Help

At Feel the Magic, we are dedicated to helping grieving kids heal. We have virtual and face-to-face camps designed by psychologists and run by trained professionals to give kids and parents the tools they need to connect with their emotions and each other.

Our programs encourage healthy grieving and introduce families to a supportive community. For more information or to register your interest in our camps, please contact us.

If you need immediate help or wish to learn more about other grief organisations that can offer you support, we have created a list of other organisations that exist to support people’s mental wellbeing and grief. You can also join our grief community to connect with other families who have also experienced grief after the death of an immediate family member. 

Always remember that help is available for you and your children, you just need to ask for it.

Read more

What to Say to a Child When a Parent Dies

Supporting Children and Teens Through Grief, Anniversaries and Significant Events

The Smith Family share their grief and loss journey

The Smith Family Story

Posted on | by Adam Blatch

The Smith Family’s grief journey started very suddenly on 24 February 2018 when they received a call at 2.00am in the morning.

Clayton was 34 years old when he passed away in a single vehicle car accident in a rural town called Merriwa, in the upper Hunter Valley of NSW. From that instant so many lives changed, but most of all, that of his two children.

After the family heard about Feel the Magic during an interview on Sunrise, Indianna attended Camp.

“The day I dropped Indianna off, she was a heartbroken, angry and confused little girl, but on the day I picked her up, although that grief was still there, it wasn’t so all consuming anymore.

Indianna was more at peace and more accepting of her grief. She was able to put words together to describe her feelings and was able to use strategies she had learnt at Camp to deal with her often unpredictable and overwhelming emotions. But most of all, she found that she was not alone and that there were other girls just like her, who had experienced overwhelming loss too.

Feel the Magic is a great charity not just for kids, but also for their parents. Being a parent of two grieving children is totally overwhelming and emotionally draining, and the parents groups and the online support you receive from Feel the Magic is invaluable.”

“If we have learnt anything from our grief journey and Feel the Magic, it is that everyone grieves differently and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief also does not have a timeline but stays with you always – in some ways you just learn to live with the grief better.”

READ THEIR STORY

We thank and acknowledge the Smith family for their courage for sharing their personal story of grief and loss.

Adult and children at Feel the Magic Camp Magic

Children’s Understanding of Death at Different Ages

Posted on | by Isabella Simantov

Grasping the concept of death will vary for children of different ages and stages of development. 

Even though all children are unique and will respond to and understand death in their own unique way, children’s reactions to grief can depend on many factors including their developmental stage. 

It is also important to remember that children’s understanding of death will be developed over time, particularly as they navigate new experiences and are exposed to new concepts.  

Children under 5 years 

Children under the age of 5 do not understand the finality and permanency of death. They often think that death is reversible and that a loved one can come back. 

Whilst very young children have no understanding of the concept of death, they can still sense and react to changes in their environment and routine. They will experience feelings of loss and insecurity if a significant person is absent, which can manifest as increased crying or changes in their sleeping and feeding patterns in babies.  

Language to use  

Children under 5 years of age have a very literal understanding of concepts so it is important to use clear, honest, and simple language like “died”. When explaining death, it may be helpful to explain that death means a person’s body has stopped working, death happens to everyone at some point, and death can’t be reversed. Euphemisms such as “passed away” and “gone to sleep” may cause misunderstandings and confusion and should be avoided.  

Behaviour of young, bereaved children 

Toddlers and young children bereaved at this age may display increased irritability, withdrawal, clinginess and anxiety, disrupted sleep, changes in appetite, less interest in play, and they may regress in skills such as language or toilet training. They can be supported by keeping to normal routines and providing them with constant reassurance and love.  

Children aged 6 to 8 years 

Between the ages of 6 and 8, children gradually begin to develop an understanding that death is permanent and irreversible. 

Children’s imagination and ‘magical thinking’ at this age can mean that some children believe their thoughts or actions caused the death. This can lead to feelings of guilt. For example, “I didn’t brush my teeth and therefore mummy has died.”  

Give clear information 

It is important to give them clear information about the death and to help them understand that it’s not their fault, to avoid them filling in their knowledge gaps with incorrect assumptions.  

Thoughts and feelings 

As they become increasingly aware that death is an inevitable part of life that happens to all living things, they may become more anxious about their own, and others, health and safety. For example, they may demonstrate more separation anxiety than they exhibited prior to the bereavement. Children at this age will begin to think and feel strong emotions but they may not have the vocabulary to express themselves. It might be helpful to use books and other media to explain death and to help them understand the feelings they are experiencing.  

Children aged 9 to 12 years 

Children aged 9 to 12 usually understand the finality of death and that the person who died is not coming back. 

Awareness of the impact of the death 

Children at this age may also show increased interest in the biological and medical processes involved in death and dying. They are also more aware of the impact the death has on them, for example that their lost loved one won’t be there for important birthdays or milestones like moving to secondary school. 

By this age, children will have developed a vocabulary to understand their thoughts and feelings, however they might not want to share them.   

Provide reassurance 

Reassure your child that they are safe and try to keep to a normal routine and maintain normal boundaries around expected behaviour. You can also help them by giving them permission to talk about how they feel about the person who has died and any worries or concerns they might have. 

Teenagers and young adults 

Teenagers usually have an adult understanding of death and are much more aware of its finality and the impact of a loved one dying both now and in the long term. 

The meaning of life 

At this age, young people are starting to question the meaning of life and other philosophical concepts. For example, they might begin asking questions about what happens after death. Adolescence is a time of profound change, and it can also be difficult for teenagers to ask for support whilst trying to transition to adulthood. It is important to give them clear and honest information and ensure a trusted adult is their source of truth and clarity.  

Although they may have the developmental ability to understand the concept of death, this does not lessen the impact of grief and loss. The teenage grieving process is unique for every young person. 

Some teenagers react by withdrawing from others, whilst some might take on adult responsibilities and try to become the caregiver, and others might cope with the awareness of their own mortality through risk-taking behaviour. Grief might also manifest as difficulties concentrating and studying at school, or an increased need for control.  

Teenagers do not like to feel different from their peers and grieving as a young person can be extremely isolating. The support of peers with similar experiences can be enormously powerful and the bereavement programs offered by Feel the Magic help foster these peer relationships. 

It is also important to consider that children who have been bereaved at an earlier age may need to re-process their grief as they think about their future and fully understand the impact of life without the person who died, or experience milestones that trigger renewed grief. 

Grief Resources

Our Grief Resource Guide contains more information on supporting bereaved adolescents as they transition into adulthood.

Read More

What to Say to a Child When a Parent Dies

Supporting Children and Teens Through Grief, Anniversaries and Significant Events